The Chinese Foreign Ministry and the Italian President Silvio Berlusconi today jointly announced today that China will be taking over ownership and control of Italy, in exchange for payment in full of Italy's deficit. The exact amount is not disclosed at this time, but is anticipated to be in the trillions of Euros.
The European Central Bank is on the one hand delighted to see a resolution of the Italian debt crisis, and on the other hand it is sad to lose it's largest client. For a long time, China has been making "significant" purchases of Italian bonds and investments in strategic companies. "This is just the final step in completing the purchase." said Lou Jiwei, chairman of China Investment Corp, one of the world's largest sovereign wealth funds. This process has been described as "reverse colonization".
The entire government of Italy will be stepping down as of next month, and will be replaced by the People's Transitional Council for the Special Economic Development Region of China's new Italian province (in Chinese pronounced Yi Dai Lai Shun).
"For the most part, it will be business as usual in Italy, without the stress of a huge deficit burden on the people, we hope to get our economy back on track much sooner than expected." said Giulio Tremonti, the outgoing finance minister.
Berlusconi expressed his "confidence" that the transition will happen quickly, and without too much disruption. In a press release, he outlined the changes over the current months.
The new Italian province of china will continue with the Euro as it's main currency, although stores and banks will also accept the Chinese yuan as of next month. This is part of China's "One country, two currencies" policy, and also by maintaining the Euro it will help reduce chances of further destabilization in Europe while maintaining a positive climate for trade with other Eurozone countries.
"The People's Republic of China is not withdrawing Italy from Europe, rather the opposite." Yang Jiechi, the Chinese foreign minister explained "We see this as China becoming part of Europe. We are already part of Asia, and in the coming future we may become part of North America. We are truly a world nation, spanning the globe, with many races, languages and currencies."
Germany is no longer the strongest economic country in Europe. When asked, the German Federal Ministry of Finance indicated they welcomed the influx of new capital, and with the repayment of IMF and other loans, there will be more money to go around for all of Europe.
Another expectation, not yet confirmed, is that Chinese will be taught in Italian schools, alongside with Italian. This will better enable Chinese (Italian) citizens to communicate throughout the People's Republic of China.
Along with ownership of the former Italy, many national treasures will now come under Chinese ownership. This includes Italian national landmarks, such as the Leaning Tower of Pisa, to be renamed the Leaning Tower of Wuhan, and St Mark's Square in Venice which will be renamed Mao's Square.
On a religious topic, China will continue to respect the city state of the Vatican City. As catholicism is an official state-sanctioned form of Christianity, there is no issue.
Since Italy is the birth place of pasta and pizza, the rights to such foods are now property of the People's Republic, and all pizzarias and restaurants globally will have to sign new licensing deals.
And of course, pasta will have to be eaten with chopsticks from now on.