- Written by Duncan
Another fallout of the economic downturn, brought to you by our scientists in our underground bunkers in the frozen North. Zombies have been decimated by the current economic climate. It seems that these reanimated corpses are dependent on a good economy for their very existence. Zombie sightings are way down, all due to the unemployment and lack of funds to pay for burial expenses.
The costs of funerals and burials are way up, in a time when investments and income and employment is way down. When it comes time to kick the bucket, many people find that they have not put away enough money to pay for a burial nice sized plot. They are lucky if they can afford a quick cremation. It further gets complicated when people die suddenly, without a will in place, leaving their disposal in the hands of greedy relatives. As you can imagine, the more money spent on expensive funerals and burial plots leaves less of an inheritance for the relatives. In this economic downturn, the temptation to cut costs is too great to resist. All too often the departed end up dropped in the nearest furnace late at night.
What does this have to do with zombies, you ask. The result is that there is a lack of corpses being buried, which leads to a decline in the population of potential zombies, or reanimated corpses. The other little known fact about zombies, is that corpses decay within a few years until there is little remaining to reanimate. Unless you can afford a full crypt, together with expensive embalming processes, you cannot expect the zombie to have a long (after) life. If you have large investments in BP stock, hoping to cash them in for a crypt, I have bad news for you.
But that is not the end of it. Traditionally zombies have a diet of fresh brains. They come out late at night, looking for people to kill, and maybe munch on some flesh, and hopefully eat some brains. But when hordes of zombies descend on Washington DC, there is a drastic shortage of people with brains to feed on. Similarly, when the undead visit Wall Street, they find that the people ther have very small brains, and the zombies would have to kill a lot of people to have a descent feast.
Now some zombies are described as a human who has been artificially separated from his soul. If we go back to Washington and Wall Street, we find that too many people have already sold their souls long ago, and you would expect that there would be many potential zombies. Unfortunately, that zombie glut has not materialized. Even though many insurance and banking CEOs admittedly lack souls, they find that they can do more evil and cause more damage selling derivatives and subprime mortgages to high risk ventures. It seems those without brains in Washington will continue to bail them out. With no souls, there is no consciences to worry about. As they continue to run amok, they give the honest brain-eating zombie a bad name.
Further, with the rise in ocean levels due to the bad economy, many burial plots in coastal areas will soon be underwater. This further impacts the zombie population, as salt water deteriorates corpses at an accelerated pace. Most departed have not allocated funds to later relocate their remains in the result of erosion or flooding of the original burial plot. It all spells bad news for zombies.