Scientists in our underground bunkers in the frozen North have been monitoring the state of the economic downturn, and it's effect on the world. Some of these impacts can be directly seen, but others, such as changes in the infection rate of various diseases are difficult to identify without access to a high-speed super computer to sift through the huge amounts of economic and other data.
Here at Bad Economy we have long ago shown how the economy affects the ozone layer, which leads to global warming and the rising ocean levels. We have shown conclusive evidence that the global economic meltdown has seriously affected the orbit of the moon. We were the first to connect the dots when it came to earthquake activity in poor economic areas of the world. Now our scientists have found another correlation that has until now slipped under the radar. We have conclusive evidence that there is a growing global pandemic of cooties, due to the bad economy.
This report may sound a little strange or even controversial. In several countries, cooties is not even considered a real disease. The Center for Disease Control and World Health Organization do not have it on their list of potentially lethal infections, and therefore have not collected data on outbreaks. Cooties is a highly contagious, viral batecteria that breeds inside the opposite sex and is released into the air via sweat glands. As of this time, there is no known anti-virus available, and no known cure for those who have been infected. The only treatment so far has been ridicule by one's peers, and that has proven no better than a kick in the behind.
So far, collecting data on our own we can show a direct correlation from the economy to outbreaks of cooties. In countries and areas with a particularly bad economy, the outbreaks are higher, and not only that, the recidivism rate is way up too. It seems that once you have caught it, your immune system is weakened and you are likely to get it again. Since infection is via proximity to the opporsite sex, we initially thought that the poor economy had caused more people to come into contact due to their poverty, where they pass on the disease. This has not been the case, and our scientists are working on a new theory that global warming leads to longer incubation periods. So this means you are likely to become infected by sitting on a chair or touching some object that was recently touched by the opposite sex. Another theory involves the use of pesticides and stinky anti-perspirant sprays causing more resistant strains.
Since the outbreak was confirmed last week, another interesting knock on effect has been in the insurance area. It seems that as so many people have been infected with cooties in their childhood, insurance agents consider cooties as a pre-existing condition, and therefore you are not covered under your medical insurance for an outbreak of cooties. Even if you are subject to a particularly lethal strain of the disease, you will have to pay for treatment out of your own pocket. Currently hospitals are not yet set up to accurately diagnose the disease, so it could cost a lot of time and money before they can confirm you have the cooties.
At this point, we have no official word if the government is working on production of anti-virus, for immunization against the more widely known strains of the disease. It may be some time before any reliable anti-virus is developed and deployed to the masses. But since we know it is tied to the economic climate in your area, here are our suggestions for avoiding the infection:
Move to any place that has a better economy.
Avoid going out if it seems to be a hot day outside.
- Avoid the opposite sex at all cost.
Abstinence is no proof against infection. Avoid sitting on or touching anything communal in nature, like a sofa, taking a bus or using those pens at the bank.
Some people have had limited success with so-called 'cootie-suits', which are like hazmat suits. These only work as long as you keep them on at all times.
Keep your distance from infected people, so only ridicule them from a safe distance.
- Repeat the following out loud "Injection, injection, can't get infection!"