- Written by Paul
Driven by the effects of the bad economy and increasing costs of fishing insurance and overfishing in the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, hoardes of ravenous raptorial predators with a taste for flesh are showing up around our coastlines and attacking humans.
They appear to be proliferating by the thousands in cold black waters far below the surface of the ocean. They grow up to seven feet long and occasionally bigger, have three hearts, primate-like stereoscopic eyes, blue blood and brains large enough to suggest they are among the smartest creatures on earth. These carnivores seize their prey with two lightning-fast, hook-laden tentacle clubs, draw it into a squirming nest of eight arms and proceed to tear chunks of flesh from its body with a disproportionately large, razor-sharp, parrot-like beak.
They have been observed employing cooperative hunting techniques, where a group of them will go after prey. If you see one, you can expect more to be around near by. They can kill and eat small mammals, even dogs, and will attack anything over which they sense an advantage, including humans. Unfortunately, if you see one, it may be too late to escape since they are stronger and faster than humans. These creatures will drag divers into deeper water to subdue them.
They are Dosidicus gigas or Humboldt Squid, the fiercest of all the cephalopods, and they are appearing in huge numbers along the West Coast, from the Gulf of Mexico to Southeast Alaska. Wherever there are large numbers of humans in the waters, you will find them.
Here at Bad Economy, we have worked hard in our secret base in the frozen North, and tracked down the cause of this change, which started last year as the economy sank. As we have already documented, the levels of the oceans have begun to change and the orbit of the moon has decayed due to the changes in the economy, and these cannot be ruled out as contributing factors.
Other factors are overfishing by deep sea fishing trawlers, that take away the food sources for these cephalopods. The fishing fleets have had to work harder to earn enough to pay for their increasing insurance premiums from companies such as AIG. These premiums have gone through the roof to pay for executive bonuses and corporate jets.
With the increased unemployment, many people have taken to eating cheaper canned fish to cut back on expenses, so they can afford to keep their HDTV. The increase in demand for fish has further put pressure on the fishsing industry to deliver even more. This has further forced the giant killer squids to search for alternative food sources.
Now with the fishing stocks depleated, the squids cannot return to their previous feasting grounds, and are likely to stay. It is generally thought that they cannot travel far from the water in order to kill, so I would advise to stay away from the beaches. On land you should be able to outrun them, although they may work together in a pack to try and box you in, so watch out for that.
As the sea levels rise, you can expect them to start attacking people with beachfront properties. If you live near the ocean, I suggest you move to higher ground before disaster strikes.