All Those Government Conspiracies Are True In A Bad Economy

The state of Arizona, in a revolutionary announcement yesterday, celebrated the outsourcing of the last remaining full-time position to Bangalore India. Other jobs were sent overseas to places including China and the Philippines, the Governor announced, from the state legislative building, now located in Shanghai.

15 April 2010 will go down in history as the day Iceland, (the country not the frozen food store), successfully dealt with the creditors who were about to foreclose on this tiny country and evict everyone from that land. In our underground bunkers in the frozen North, our scientists have been risking their lives to bring you this story...

The International Monetary Fund moved a step closer to a bailout of Greece in this bad economy, announcing that a team will travel to the country next week to begin negotiating the terms of a possible aid package. Other "eurozone" countries have promised about €30 billion in emergency loans if Greece needs them -- provided that the Greeks agree to IMF assistance. But this is just the tip of the iceberg.

RIO DE JANEIRO — Flooding and mudslides from the heaviest deluge ever recorded in Rio killed at least 100 people and left many more homeless, and all a result of the bad economy. Over 2,000 people were forced from their homes by flooding and ground Brazils' second-biggest city to a halt the previous day.

The rise in mortgage rates at three of the big banks during the bad economy comes at a time when people have little more to give, causing ordinary people to take drastic measures. Some adult children are now bumping off their elderly relatives in order to collect on an inheritance that will keep them financially in the black.

Billionaire coupon collector Bradley Thomas Jr has predicted that the Canadian Tire Dollar could completely collapse within weeks, sending shockwaves throughout the global economy and heralding the beginning of a downturn that would make the recent economic crisis look tame in comparison.

Yes, it's true. You no longer have to doubt that the investment market is after you, and will do whatever it takes to destroy your portfolio and even your very soul. It knows when you are in the market, rather like when you try to cross an alligator infested swamp. by the time you dip your toe in the water, they are swimming in your direction, and your welfare is not on the top of their list of priorities.

"The Canadian housing market is strong, but it is not experiencing a bubble," Paul Jenkins, senior deputy governor of the Bank of Canada said recently. In order to catch up with the US, the Canadian Government is working to create a housing bubble of it's own, somewhere near New Brunswick. The idea is that so few people will want to live there, the demand will never keep up with the supply.

With lots of companies strapped for cash, the trickle-down economy has even reached a type of assassin originally from Japan, known as ninjas. The demands for assassinations, and various covert activities that the average ninja specializes in, has remained low for the past year and a half.

Many unemployed workers found that they are making no less of a difference than they did when they were working. This shocking revelation leads to the conclusion that their previous jobs did not matter. It was like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, their work was more busy work than something significant.

Canada's main stock market index has been under constant pressure in this bad economy, from investors to identify the good stocks from the bad ones, so that the investors would have an easier time making money. This comes after a four-week-long losing streak, which has upset many.

Just days away from the Vancouver 2010 Olympic and Paralympic Winter Games, and no one is in town. In this bad economy, people either can't afford or are not interested in attending the event. You can even get tickets to some events from scalpers, priced at below the origial selling price, which is unheard of. This is just more evidence that the recession is getting worse, and not better as some might report.

Over the past year, state revenue collections have dropped dramatically, creating large budget gaps for many states. At least 30 states and Washington, DC are making budget cuts specifically targeting K-12 education. The long term impact is the creation of a country of morons.

This holiday season in North America was the worst on record, as many retailers struggled to make it through. Although inventory and staffing were cut to the bone, sales were even worse than expected. Many stores are wondering if they will continue to survive if the trend continues.

In several provinces across Canada, consumers are getting the provincial tax incentive on wide screen TVs bought after January 1st, as part of a push to get consumers over to the new technology.