- Written by Duncan
An increasing number of people are suffering from comas, and keeping them alive is causing a growing drain on the healthcare system. With the worsening economic climate of a double dip recession, maintaining a large number of coma patients on life support has become a luxury that is too expensive to continue.
Some people have been accused of going comatose to avoid the stress due to job layoffs, personal bankruptcy and mortgage foreclosure. It is like the body is shutting down to escape from a reality that is too hard to live in. The hope is that their condition is somehow index linked to the global economy, and they will eventually awake to a better future. While some groups consider these comatose to be yet more victims of the bad economy, others see them as escapists who can't cut it, and not worth reviving even in good times. "If you can't knuckle down and make it through the rain, you don't deserve to see the sunshine," said one investment banker.
For financial reasons, these comatose patients may never get the chance to recover. With the new healthcare reforms act, budgets for coma centers have been cut back. Unless coma patients have plenty of private medical coverage, life support may be cut short. "It's just a case of simple triage - you have live patients with various injuries that need treating, and then you have a bunch of comatose patients who may never wake up," said one hospital administrator, under conditions of anonymity.
If you are considering going into a coma to avoid the bad economy, make sure that you have someone who is going to watch your back. They need to make sure that some hospital administrator does not sneak in during the night and turn off life support. It could happen you know, maybe while they went out for a pizza. You also need to have some kind of way to trigger a recovery as the economy improves and your stocks finally get back to the price you paid for them. I mean, there is no value in going to sleep to avoid the economy if you can't wake up when the recession is over. That would be pointless, and your friend who is watching out for you will have wasted all that time going without pizza to defend you from hospital administrators. They won't be too happy, eh?
If you are a hospital administrator, try putting pizza ads under the door, to distract the patient's protector. If that does not work, make up some fake newspapers that declare the recession is over. Perhaps the patient will wake up, and your problem is solved!
Meanwhile, our investigators are following up on rumors that in a special bunker below the treasury department, there is a room full of comatose people connected to electronic devices. Rumor has it that these people are really in control of the economy, and their brainwaves trigger changes in key stocks and currency markets. It could be that not only are comas caused by the bad economy, but they are controlling it. Stay tuned for updates from our reporter, Cyber Mole...