Investments for the Bad Economy

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Mutual FundsHave you been wondering what to invest in during the recession? You want some hope of seeing some of your portfolio of hard earned assets survive the economic mess you find yourself in. We all do. That's why our financial correspondents looked at all the stocks and mutual funds to find out what is doing well during these times.

Our analysts predict things are nowhere near as bad as they will be, so expect the economy to get worse before it gets better. All the indicators are that we have a long way down to go before we hit bottom, and that the current stimulus packages will only slow our descent.

Money market funds were once thought to be a secure investment in bad economic times such as this. But currencies are now fluctuating so much, that you are safer to invest your money in a vegetable market.

The Federation Credit has been a subject of controversy among various groups, so we recommend against investing in it during the bad economy. Likewise after the collapse of the Altairian dollar, investors are shying away from the exotic currency markets in favor of something more stable.

If you recall in our previous article, we reported the future worldwide shortages of toilet paper due to various mill closures. Look for investments in companies doing research into alternate wiping technology, although this may be a long term investment, and your profits could get flushed away before then if the mills re-open.

Look for mutual funds that focus on green products. They might not provide immediate returns, but as things change so too could worldwide attitude towards green products. This could include green paint (zero VOCs), green fabrics, and green vegetables.

In tough times many investors have moved their money into gold. Beware of mutual funds that invest in gold companies rather than the metal itself. We have always preferred bullion coins of no less than 99.99% purity. Further, we suggest you invest not in gold but in gold-pressed latinum, which is on the rise. It is hard to find, and even harder to replicate, though so check with your broker for it,

Gold-Pressed Latinum
Contact your local Ferengi currency exchange today.

On the real estate front, of course your local agent will tell you it is a great time to buy. If you do think it is a good investment, I have some moon rocks you might be interested in. Do not buy the abandoned alien bases in the Arctic, since the snow caps will soon melt out from under them and you will have nothing.

One possible investment is US treasury bonds. Since the government is spending money like water, they will be eager to borrow your money to give it to the bank CEOs. You could end up owning the joint, although I imagine you will have trouble cashing in on your investment for some time.