 Deep in the underground bunkers in the frozen North, we have been working on super secret radar and satellite imaging to measure how bad the economy is going to be in the coming months. Take it from us, even NORAD does not have this kind of technology. The answer is not good. At first we saw a huge blip, that looked like the perfect storm, with a big letter R (for recession) on it coming our way.
That storm has since arrived, and it does not look to be going away soon. With this storm, comes a long period of economic misery, that will change the fabric of our economic system. This is less of a storm, and more of a monsoon that will last for some time.
Our underground bunkers are not to be confused with the secret alien bases, those are a few miles further North. You might want to pettition your respective leaders to give full disclosure of what is going on up here.
 We will be continuing to monitor the storm, which has now engulfed the globe, and we will update you on the changing events as they unfold. That is, unless we are overrun by the aliens, then there will be no reports.
In the meantime, there are some things you can do to reduce your exposure to the economic storm.
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You have become over-dependant on financing and credit cards. If you cannot escape them, you will suffer the most. Credit card companies will be increasing the minimum payments and adding on service fees on previously low interest rates.
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Real estate markets will be in a significant flux, until around 2012. Do not rush to make any purchases, no matter that your realtor says 'This is a very good time to buy.' Although you may not see the prices drop, due to price stickyness. Properties will remain overpriced and not sell, until vendors get more desperate.
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Assume your job will no longer exist within six months, and plan accordingly. A lot of manufacturing and service jobs will not be coming back for several years. If you have chance, get that minimum wage job at Walmart before some kid does. Also, the government will lower the minimum wage towards the end of this year.
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We predict the funds for unemployment insurance will dry up within a short while, so when unemployment exceeds 25% you will be on your own.
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You mght want to hoard some toilet rolls, they may be running short soon. This is serious, the lumber mills are closed down because they cannot get the price per linear board foot. The supply of pulp for making toilet paper will dry up within a year.
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Try singing a happy tune. It will not fix your problems but you will feel better.
That is all for now.
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Step 1: Always begin by folding the toilet paper sheet by sheet. This method would minimize the number of sheets wasted. Crumbling the toilet paper into a bunch would limit its usage to one wipe; you would practically waste the entire roll.
Step 2: When blowing your nose, start from the first sheet to the next. Not one sheet of toilet paper should be left untouched when you are blowing or wiping your nose.
Step 3: Avoid using toilet paper as a substitute for cleaning anything other than the human body parts. Why use toilet paper when there are materials that are already designed for that purpose?
Step 4: Always be conscious of the number of toilet paper sheets you use, depending on the load of your task.
If we want to compete, we are going to have to lower the minimum wage below the levels in countries such as China and India.