All Those Government Conspiracies Are True In A Bad Economy

Our scientists in our underground bunkers in the frozen North have been studying the economic downturn and had to define new models to explain the seeming chaos in the world and the management decisions that caused it all. This has led to the exciting discovery of a new branch of quantum mechanics. We believe that this could result in the first nobel prize awarded for physics in journalism.

Stocks continue to dive on news of the latest job growth report from the Department of Labor. It reports that the jobs are not coming back as expected, and in fact if you take out census hiring, there was no job growth at all. Private sector hiring has practically dried up. The economic crisis in Europe continues to push the Euro into a decline of biblcal proportions on concerns about fiscal troubles. All this has lead to an increase in the rate of suicides by investors.

As the recession deepens and more people become victims of the worst recession since the 1930's, there is increasing pressure on individuals to find new ways to make money. The creativity and innovative ways people come up with has no limits.

Cheating is when a person or organization misleads, deceives, or acts dishonestly on purpose. The government cheats the electorate, the banks cheat customers, and at this time of year everyone is cheating on their taxes. In the current economic climate, we are bending the rules, and seeing how far they can go and get away with it. We believe everyone else is too.

An increasing number of people are suffering from comas, and keeping them alive is causing a growing drain on the healthcare system. With the worsening economic climate of a double dip recession, maintaining a large number of coma patients on life support has become a luxury that is too expensive to continue.

The rise in mortgage rates at three of the big banks during the bad economy comes at a time when people have little more to give, causing ordinary people to take drastic measures. Some adult children are now bumping off their elderly relatives in order to collect on an inheritance that will keep them financially in the black.

Yes, it's true. You no longer have to doubt that the investment market is after you, and will do whatever it takes to destroy your portfolio and even your very soul. It knows when you are in the market, rather like when you try to cross an alligator infested swamp. by the time you dip your toe in the water, they are swimming in your direction, and your welfare is not on the top of their list of priorities.

"The Canadian housing market is strong, but it is not experiencing a bubble," Paul Jenkins, senior deputy governor of the Bank of Canada said recently. In order to catch up with the US, the Canadian Government is working to create a housing bubble of it's own, somewhere near New Brunswick. The idea is that so few people will want to live there, the demand will never keep up with the supply.

With lots of companies strapped for cash, the trickle-down economy has even reached a type of assassin originally from Japan, known as ninjas. The demands for assassinations, and various covert activities that the average ninja specializes in, has remained low for the past year and a half.

Canada's main stock market index has been under constant pressure in this bad economy, from investors to identify the good stocks from the bad ones, so that the investors would have an easier time making money. This comes after a four-week-long losing streak, which has upset many.