Tonight’s shocking news is that Santa Claus today has laid off his entire elf workforce and moved the entire operation involved in the construction of presents and the administration of letters to Santa to Bangalore in India.
One elf told Bad Economy today that they turned up for work as normal to find themselves locked out of Santa’s workshop.
"There were a load of us standing there, and some of us were really concerned because part of our duties includes looking after the reindeer. We still don’t know what has happened to them. We thought maybe Santa may have over slept, some of the other elves wondered if he had succumbed to swine flu. Then another elf discovered that Santa had closed us down when he checked his Twitter account on his iPhone. Santa did not even have the decency to tell us in person, I mean to find out from Twitter of all places is so appalling after all the years of loyal service we have given."
Bad Economy Today checked Santa’s twitter account and found this terse announcement:
North Pole operations are now closed. Have found more cost effective operations in Bangalore, India
Calls to Santa went unanswered most of the day. Speculation has been rife that this may be related to last year when Santa's sleigh was briefly impounded over unpaid fees to air traffic controllers in an unspecified country, believed to be Elbonia. According to insiders, Santa was only able to raise the funds to clear this debt by partnering up with the accountants Scrooge and Marley, and they believe it has been them that had forced this restructuring of Santa’s Workshop.
Bad Economy Today also approached their offices, but no one was available to comment at first, then they issued this short statement.
Scrooge and Marley do not discuss affairs of our confidential clients with the media. The moving of Santa’s operations from the North Pole to India is strictly a commercial decision as part of a cost cutting restructuring. The previous workforce at the North Pole have only themselves to blame for putting up Santa’s costs over the years with unrealistic wage demands especially in the worst recession this century.
The disposal of the North Pole assets is now a confidential matter, which for reasons of commercial confidentiality we are unable to discuss any further with the media.
Concerns are also mounting about the fate of the famous reindeer, as visits to the new premises in Bangalore do not have any sign of facilities for the creatures that pull Santa’s sleigh. Unconfirmed reports are saying that there have been high level discussions between Santa’s accountancy firm, and Todd’s Meat Pies.
It has been known that Todd's meats, famous for their steak and kidney pies, have been trying to break into the high class game meat pie industry. One meat industry insider said "If Todd's can sell venison pie made from Santa's former reindeer, then they will" It is believed some insiders that their are buyers all lined up, and some of them are from overseas, for a taste of the bright nosed wonder Rudolf.
A senior elf who did not wish to be named said the sudden closure of Santa’s Workshop at the North Pole is bad enough but this could be devastating news "There is enough suffering in the world already with this financial downturn, but to kill Rudolf, Donner, Blitzer and the rest just to stick in a pie will just compound this, but we are powerless to stop it"
Industry insiders offered little comfort as one said "This type of reindeer is expensive to maintain and Santa’s accountancy firm will be looking to cut costs and raise revenues in any way possible. An offer from a meat company for the reindeer to use in pies would have to be favourably looked upon. There is no room for sentiment in this industry."
You can contact Santa here to voice your own complaints, or comment below:
NORTH POLE (Reuters) -- Holiday magnate Santa Claus announced today that his conglomerate Kringle Holdings, LLC, will layoff up to 1,300 of the elves employed at their main workshop located here.
This cutback, which is over 8% of the workforce, was called "Unfortunate, but necessary" by Santa in an unusually somber press conference. "There are too many forces at work here for us to ignore them. With neither the capital nor the demand, we simply do not have the means nor the reason to keep our staffing at traditional levels".
Kringle Holdings has been battered recently by a heavy investment in formerly high-flying tech stocks like Amazon (Nasdaq:AMZN) and WorldCom (Nasdaq:WCOM) as well as the energy conglomerate Enron (NYSE: ENE). The Kringle Endowment has been rumored to have lost as much as 65% of its value this year alone. This, combined with what researchers have called "A major uptick in the number of bratty kids" has left Santa´s once awesome toy factory something of a relic of days gone by.
"It used to be that every kid got a toy; but now, with the recession and all the whining out there, the size of the Bad List has grown exponentially" was how an anonymous elf at Kringle put it.
There is more at stake than just Kringle Holdings, however, as the North Pole is very much a one-company "mill town". Over 10,000 elves work at Santa´s factory and are represented by the United Elves of the North Pole (UENP). The loss of even more jobs at the North Pole would seriously put the local economy in the red for the first time in its 224 year history since it was founded by Santa Clause. The possibility of a further collapse in their employment outlook makes the bleak arctic landscape appear even more desolate.
When asked if unemployment benefits will be extended for workers beyond the current two year time limit, Goran Stephonssen, Presidident of the United Elves of the North Pole Local 1225, responded that "He may be Santa Claus, but the contracts that we have negotiated with Kringle Holdings the last two decades are not of the standard we had back in the 1930s when all the kids around the world demanded toys made from our factory". He added, "Globalization and weaker international trade laws have allowed other toy factories to cut into our market share thus weakening our bargaining power with Santa. It is very frustrating for the working families of the North Pole."
Elf unionists from across the North Pole and international delegates converged outside of Santa’s workshop this morning. They were protesting over plans by Santa to shut down production there.
After a meeting outside the gates of the plant, hundreds of elves marched round the North Pole. Later, a motorway was blocked by demonstrators. There was only one polar bear there at the time, and he was not amused.
You have to change before its too late. I don't want to die from my illness, and you don't want a cheap tombstone in an unkempt graveyard. Do the right thing now.
Santa condemned as he outsources work to India.
Concerns are also mounting about the fate of the famous 
This cutback, which is over 8% of the workforce, was called "Unfortunate, but necessary" by Santa in an unusually somber press conference. "There are too many forces at work here for us to ignore them. With neither the capital nor the demand, we simply do not have the means nor the reason to keep our staffing at traditional levels".
Kringle Holdings has been battered recently by a heavy investment in formerly high-flying tech stocks like Amazon (Nasdaq:AMZN) and WorldCom (Nasdaq:WCOM) as well as the energy conglomerate Enron (NYSE: ENE). The Kringle Endowment has been rumored to have lost as much as 65% of its value this year alone. This, combined with what researchers have called "A major uptick in the number of bratty kids" has left Santa´s once awesome toy factory something of a relic of days gone by.
"It used to be that every kid got a toy; but now, with the recession and all the whining out there, the size of the Bad List has grown exponentially" was how an anonymous elf at Kringle put it.
There is more at stake than just Kringle Holdings, however, as the North Pole is very much a one-company "mill town". Over 10,000 elves work at Santa´s factory and are represented by the United Elves of the North Pole (UENP). The loss of even more jobs at the North Pole would seriously put the local economy in the red for the first time in its 224 year history since it was founded by Santa Clause. The possibility of a further collapse in their employment outlook makes the bleak arctic landscape appear even more desolate.
When asked if unemployment benefits will be extended for workers beyond the current two year time limit, Goran Stephonssen, Presidident of the United Elves of the North Pole Local 1225, responded that "He may be Santa Claus, but the contracts that we have negotiated with Kringle Holdings the last two decades are not of the standard we had back in the 1930s when all the kids around the world demanded toys made from our factory". He added, "Globalization and weaker international trade laws have allowed other toy factories to cut into our market share thus weakening our bargaining power with Santa. It is very frustrating for the working families of the North Pole."
After a meeting outside the gates of the plant, hundreds of elves marched round the North Pole. Later, a motorway was blocked by demonstrators. There was only one polar bear there at the time, and he was not amused.
God Bless Us, Every One!