- Written by Sneaky
With the economy as bad as it is, many people are out of work, and those who are still employed are keeping money in reserve for when they lose their jobs. How can you sell cars, when few people have the disposable income available to buy? With the size of the overall pie shrinking, how can you get more of the pie for yourself by stealing from your competitors?
Step One - The Internet
Most prospects shop online first, before visiting a dealer. You need to hire some Turkish and Russian hackers to break into all your competitors' websites, and set them to redirect to your site. If you are the only game in town, you get more of the business. Here is the html code to insert into your competitor's sites:
<meta http-equiv="Refresh" content="0; url='http://www.yourdealersite.com'">
Of course your site has to be compelling enough to make prospects want to come in person to the lot to check out the incredible deals you have. The solution is to tell the biggest lies about how great your cars are, and how cheap they are. The best lies I have heard recently involve promising that if the customer loses their job due to the economy, they can return the car and owe nothing. You want people to come into the lot, just to find out if the what they read on your website is true. For example, your site says that Britney Spears will be signing copies of her latest album this weekend at your lot.
How To Get Prospects On The Lot
Disguise your lot as a coffee shop, since coffee shops have been doing well in the recession. You could offer free lattes, which would attract upwardly mobile folks who are more likely to have more money than brain cells. Then you serve them a free latte, laced with some inhibition-reducing drugs, something like a mild form of the date-rape drug. As it takes effect, you pull out a sales form and close the deal.
In the winter time, hire snowplows to clear only the streets that lead directly into your lot. People will follow the cleared streets, and arrive at your lot. Be ready with hot chocolate, laced with the same inhibition-reducing drugs. When they are good and happy, you pounce on them and close the deal.
A good source of gullible people are past customers. Use historical data, go through the sales archives to get a list of customers who bought a car about 5 years ago. Call these past customers, and tell them to bring their car in for a product recall, and book them a suitable amount of time. Once they are on the lot, you offer them a free latte or a hot chocolate while your mechanic works on their car. In reality, of course, the mechanic is appraising the trade-in value of the car and you are waiting for the drugs to take effect.
If you offer a low price on the new car, you can cover that by reducing the trade-in price you give on their old car. Explain their 5 year old car could explode if they drive it off the lot. If that does not work, be sure to lose their keys, and have an assistant search for them while you continue your pitch. If they are hesitant, see if they would like a free latte to compensate them for their time.
Making It Stick
The enemy of sales people is buyer's remorse. In the past, all you needed were some iron-clad fine print in the sales contract and some goons to take care of this. But in this bad economy, it may not be enough.
Be sure to promise that customers can bring the car back if they are not happy. Have lots of latte on hand if they do come back, or perhaps you were lucky enough to get some incriminating photos you took last time they were in.
Be sure to use your own financing company, which has their own army of goons to deal with deadbeats who try to welch on a deal. In the fine print in the finance paperwork, customers will have promised their homes and any other assets as collateral. So as soon as a customer misses a payment, they lose everything.
Another good trick in the financing end of things is to take the first payment as a cheque. You never cash that cheque, so at any time you can lose the cheque and claim they are behind on their payments and move their homes. Since this ruins their credit rating, you can offer to help them re-build it by selling them a car. Plan to follow-up within a year or so.