- Written by Mole
A secret society with tentacles that reach into all forms of government and commerce is responsible for the state of our world economy. Before you read further, I must warn you, if they find out you have read this article you may be in mortal danger.
Founded in 1776 in a deli in a small town in Bavaria, the Illuminati has since grown to span the globe. It's aim is to bring about a new world order, free from trans-fats and leaded gasoline. Everyone will be forced to live on a diet of Bavarian cream pie and Weisswurst.
The Illuminati have dominated the financial sector for a long time. They were the ones to introduce fine print for life insurance and more recently credit default swaps and yogurt with probiotic cultures. On the surface it all seems harmless, until you connect the dots.
The US Government has handed out billions to the investment banks, but so far none of that money has trickled down and resulted in new consumer loans, or refinancing. Is it a coincidence that none of the applicants had eaten Bavarian cream pie? I think not.
When the Mexican pork industry refused to play ball and direct all of their output into the production of traditional Bavarian sausage, suddenly we learn of an outbreak of swine flu in Mexico. Again, this is not a coincidence. Now both pork products and Mexican exports are avoided like the plague.
The Illuminati control the Federal Reserve and are using it to destroy the U.S. dollar by printing unlimited quantities until it has no value. They will then introduce a new currency based on a Bavarian Mark as part of their evil plan.
With the collapse of the auto industry and housing being hit with foreclosures, the Illuminati have cornered two of the major pillars of the economy. Watch out for major investments from Bavarian companies, such as Fiat buying out Chrysler.
The Illuminati will stop anyone who gets in their way. For example, in 2008 a well-known consumer reports magazine pointed out that probiotic cultures are a part of all yogurts, and that it was misleading to advertise it as special. A few months later the magazine was purchased by a Bavarian company, after the disappearance of the owners and several of the editorial staff, and a little old lady who was walking by at the time. The magazine now carries regular advertisements for the very same yoghurt brands they previously criticized.
If you have read this article, you have to leave your apartment and never come back. Assume a false name and grow a beard. Do not use your credit cards or bank cards. Watch your back, and look twice before you cross the street. Do not eat any yogurt. Good luck!