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Comments (167)
You Have To Stop Them
167 Sunday, July 27 2036 03:19
John Teeter
Only a few of us managed to survive the disaster in 2012 when the moon got so close to the earth that the effects caused the annihilation of the human race. Our limited records point to this point in time and a location near Warsaw, Poland.

I have traveled back in time to warn you. Go to Warsaw, and locate their device and shut it down or you will all die! I cannot help you further or it will perpetuate a cataclysmic cascading time event. Good luck! If you succeed we will never meet.
Chile Earthquake Reduced Days on Earth
166 Wednesday, March 03 2010 21:24
This earthquake was triggered by the poor economy in Chile, and has impacted the rotation of the Earth on it's axis.

The quake, the seventh strongest earthquake in recorded history, hit Chile Saturday and should have shortened the length of an Earth day by 1.26 milliseconds, according to research scientist Richard Gross at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, Calif.

If you live in an impoverished third world country, you need to get out of there fast. Find a wealthy country, and make sure you stay there.
I beg to differ...
165 Tuesday, March 02 2010 15:22
I am sure that four pies are not squared; they are round.
At least in NB they are! That why they are called bubbles. Otherwise, they would be Housing Squares, right?
IMHO
Housing Bubbles , Duncan
What if ninjas went postal?
164 Monday, February 22 2010 22:27
Ninjas can cut off heads with their swords and not even think twice about it. If these guys go crazy there is no stopping them.

I heard that there was this ninja who was eating at a diner. Perhaps he used to be a postal worker, or maybe he was in disguise as one. And when some dude dropped a spoon the ninja killed the whole town. Maybe he was fed up with delivering mail to a bunch of spoon dropping whiners, or maybe he did not have enough money left for a tip. I don't know, and I don't want to go to that town to find out.
@Peter
163 Friday, February 19 2010 14:08
Jo
Most bank ninjas will wait until you make a large withdrawal before they strike. You can make small deposits in relative safety.
I saw a ninja in my local bank
162 Friday, February 19 2010 11:45
Peter
As soon as I saw him, I knew I had to get out of there. I burst through the front doors and ran all the way home, never stopping to look behind.

I now live in fear. Everyday since then it haunts me. Whenever I make a deposit, I am scared of ninjas killing me. I may have to move to another city.
Protestors are ugly
161 Monday, February 15 2010 09:05
Bradley
that is why they wear masks.
New HDTVs Available
160 Monday, February 15 2010 07:28
Pioneer
Pioneer officially took the wraps off its new line of plasma HDTVs recently. It’s impressive technology. Having seen pre-finalized versions at the Consumer Electronics Show, it’s complete with electrodes that plug directly into your frontal cortex of your brain. This provides excellent picture quality and allows our alien masters to take control of all unwanted thoughts.
Vancouver Olympics Hit By Extreme Weather
159 Monday, February 15 2010 07:22
The unusual warm weather has meant there was not enough snow for the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympic games. They had to truck in snow from Jamaica to enable the games to continue.
Olymipc Protesters Gets Ugly - Feb 13
158 Saturday, February 13 2010 23:09
Yma
About 200 protesters dressed all in black smashing the windows of a department store, the Hudson's Bay Company Olympic Store, kicking and vandalizing cars parked along the street and causing havoc. They were upset about the lack of parking and the requirement to sing 'O Canada' as they were herded by police with batons, bullet-proof vests and some machine guns and tasers (probably for any Polish protesters).
Alternative terms for morons
157 Saturday, February 13 2010 22:59
James Billington
"Eco-mentally challenged" and "Eco-mentally disabled" are the terms used by professionals such as social workers, civil rights activists and the health care industry. "Politicians" is the term we use in congress.
Is dolphin training abusive?
156 Wednesday, February 10 2010 20:59
Trainer Bob
I tried to train them to walk on hot coals, is that abusive?
Dolphin massacre turns sea blood red
155 Wednesday, February 10 2010 20:55
Japanese Economy
From October till March Japanese fishermen herd whole families and pods of dolphins and small whales into shallow bays where they kill them. This all happened since the Japanese economy collapsed, turning the sea red with blood.
And then there's ...
154 Wednesday, February 10 2010 01:56
What about Contrarians who do the opposite of standard trading practice. They will practice reading your Green Lights as Stop Lights and your Red as Go lights. As their activity becomes automatic, accidents at Wall and Bay Streets will begin to pile up. Now, you're in trouble for recommending a simple, but very dangerous, automated color response method.
"Baaad Economy!!!"
We did not need this!
153 Monday, February 08 2010 09:53
Invest-O-Tron
We sell complex investment software, and intensive training to help investors to guess what to buy, when to buy it and when to sell. Now you make it so easy a baboon can pick stocks. We will be out of business!

I hope you are happy with yourselves!
American reporter denied entry into Canada
152 Sunday, February 07 2010 11:22
An American reporter had been prevented from entering Canada. The Olympic Resistance Network says 20-year-old Martin Macias Jr. had arrived at YVR from Chicago Saturday morning, but was held by Canada Border Services for several hours.

He was then put on a flight back to the U.S. The Network's Chris Shaw can only speculate what triggered the Border personnel's actions. "I suspect the authorities in the states had shared information with authorities here. He was known somehow with someone who held dissenting views on the Olympics and that was enough to get him barred from our country."

Macias is a leading member of 'No Games Chicago', a group which had opposed Chicago's bid for the 2016 games. He hosts a community radio station in Chicago.

Speculation is that his efforts in Vancouver would hurt the bad economy and would lead to the winter games running a financial loss. It is good that he was sent back as we cannot afford that!
Polish Atheletes Fear Taser at Vancouver
151 Friday, February 05 2010 08:53
Administrator

Fortunately VIPs and athletes go through a separate channel. Polish supporters however, began arriving last week wearing T-shirts with "Robi nie taser ja" (Don't taser me) written on them. Unfortunately, the RCMP do not read Polish.


Vancouver’s 2010 Winter Olympics Mascots
150 Thursday, February 04 2010 11:52
Quatchi
The mascots for the Vancouver’s 2010 Winter Olympics are supposed to represent the history and culture of the Vancouver area, but for the most part just confuse everyone. There are three mascots and a special mascot sidekick for the Games this year; Quatchi, Sumi, Miga and Mukmuk.

Quatchi is the big, furry and ominous Sasquatch. He grew up in the Canadian forest, but has left his home to scare tourists.

Quatchi especially loves little children. Perhaps too much. We should not leave him alone with any.

Sumi is another mysterious animal. Some people say he tastes like chicken. I am not sure I want to get that close to find out. Perhaps you could get rabies from him.

Sumi loves to Alpine Ski and underwater hangliding. He can hold his breath a long time, but that is because Quatchi refuses to bathe.

The third mascot is Miga. A young sea bear Miga is part killer whale and part Kermode bear. She is too young to understand why Quatchi is so friendly.

Miga is always having fun. She likes to open all the lids on the yoghurt containers.
Impending doom
149 Thursday, February 04 2010 01:43
Cyber Mole
We have this to look forward to in 2 years time in London
Who is going to pay?
148 Wednesday, February 03 2010 23:03
Mary
If we divide 6 billion by the population of Vancouver, we get $10,000 per person. If we include all Canadians, it goes down to about $200.

I don't care about the Olympics as long as we don't have to pay for it.
decent work of fiction
147 Wednesday, February 03 2010 13:57
dominic
I really like how you didn't try to make this sound like it's a true story, but used a few mostly true facts to enhance the make-believe.
7.0 quake hits impoverished Haiti
146 Tuesday, January 12 2010 15:12
I don't mean to say I told you so, but the title alone shows the connection between debt and earthquakes.

Let's pray for them.
I got my rebate cheque!
145 Saturday, January 09 2010 07:09
It came in the mail yesterday. I am not sure what to spend it on, perhaps I will put it towards my higher cable bill.
Save Yourself From Doom
144 Wednesday, January 06 2010 22:42
Don Alberto
No case is doomed to failure. However, you also need to do something to save yourself from doom. You have to take the necessary moves to preclude tax penalties and debts from quickly piling up and strangle your finances.

You need to call in some favors with uncle Tony to put some heat on the auditor to look elsewhere while you move your money to the Caymans.
Thanks!!!
143 Tuesday, December 29 2009 18:04
Thanks to your ideas. I now know what to do with my lazy Sales Manager. I have thinking about how to get rid of him, without raising costs.

You see, the problem is two-fold: he has the same name as I and is constantly pretending to be me with my clients. That's annoying!

But he's my son and it wouldn't be right for me to fire him. So, I will start fooling with his commission structure; and see if that works.

Thanks for your insightful and timely article.
Head Sales Manager
142 Tuesday, December 29 2009 17:40
It was written by a seemingly angry, frustrated person: lots of typos and weird grammar which is typical of frustration speech. Illogical. Not up to your usual high standards. Usually you write great shaggy dogs. This one -- not!

Proposition; Supposition; Conclusion and Wrap were missing.
Bad Economic Decisions
141 Monday, December 07 2009 17:08
You have to change before its too late. I don't want to die from my illness, and you don't want a cheap tombstone in an unkempt graveyard. Do the right thing now.

God Bless Us, Every One!
Global warming may require higher dams, stilts
140 Saturday, December 05 2009 22:19
People are going to have to realize that "some areas are not going to be good enough to live in in the next 100 years."
Protesting Closures
139 Friday, December 04 2009 13:05
Keebler Elf
Elf unionists from across the North Pole and international delegates converged outside of Santa’s workshop this morning. They were protesting over plans by Santa to shut down production there.

After a meeting outside the gates of the plant, hundreds of elves marched round the North Pole. Later, a motorway was blocked by demonstrators. There was only one polar bear there at the time, and he was not amused.
Santa to lay off 10,000 due to Recession
138 Friday, December 04 2009 12:59
Santa Claus
NORTH POLE (Reuters) -- Holiday magnate Santa Claus announced today that his conglomerate Kringle Holdings, LLC, will layoff up to 1,300 of the elves employed at their main workshop located here.

This cutback, which is over 8% of the workforce, was called "Unfortunate, but necessary" by Santa in an unusually somber press conference. "There are too many forces at work here for us to ignore them. With neither the capital nor the demand, we simply do not have the means nor the reason to keep our staffing at traditional levels".

Kringle Holdings has been battered recently by a heavy investment in formerly high-flying tech stocks like Amazon (Nasdaq:AMZN) and WorldCom (Nasdaq:WCOM) as well as the energy conglomerate Enron (NYSE: ENE). The Kringle Endowment has been rumored to have lost as much as 65% of its value this year alone. This, combined with what researchers have called "A major uptick in the number of bratty kids" has left Santa´s once awesome toy factory something of a relic of days gone by.

"It used to be that every kid got a toy; but now, with the recession and all the whining out there, the size of the Bad List has grown exponentially" was how an anonymous elf at Kringle put it.

There is more at stake than just Kringle Holdings, however, as the North Pole is very much a one-company "mill town". Over 10,000 elves work at Santa´s factory and are represented by the United Elves of the North Pole (UENP). The loss of even more jobs at the North Pole would seriously put the local economy in the red for the first time in its 224 year history since it was founded by Santa Clause. The possibility of a further collapse in their employment outlook makes the bleak arctic landscape appear even more desolate.

When asked if unemployment benefits will be extended for workers beyond the current two year time limit, Goran Stephonssen, Presidident of the United Elves of the North Pole Local 1225, responded that "He may be Santa Claus, but the contracts that we have negotiated with Kringle Holdings the last two decades are not of the standard we had back in the 1930s when all the kids around the world demanded toys made from our factory". He added, "Globalization and weaker international trade laws have allowed other toy factories to cut into our market share thus weakening our bargaining power with Santa. It is very frustrating for the working families of the North Pole."
They did it
137 Thursday, November 26 2009 13:16
It’s the Morgan mafia - they sort of created the whole credit derivatives thing.
Does not exist
136 Wednesday, November 25 2009 16:34
Wadsworth
Nobody has ever built a time machine that could take a person back to an earlier time. Nobody should be seriously trying to build one, either, because a good argument exists for why the machine can never be built. The argument goes like this. Suppose you did have a time machine right now, and you could step into it and travel back to some earlier time. Your actions in that time might then prevent your grandparents from ever having invested in their retirement funds. This would make you poor or from a poor family, and thus not afford to step into the time machine. So, the claim that there could be a time machine is self-contradictory.
But what if
135 Tuesday, November 24 2009 14:08
Graeme Stickings
But what if it was someone travelling back in time that caused the problem in the first place, a clear Pago Paradox
Communication down
134 Tuesday, November 17 2009 07:18
Roger
I can't reach my cousin in Iowa City. Did they cut the lines or something? Perhaps they are rounding people up and taking them to the camps?
Help!
133 Monday, November 16 2009 22:55
Lock your kids in the house and don't come out for three months.
Burn your pants and shirt!
Co-worker died
132 Sunday, November 15 2009 22:42
Swiss
One person had flu-like symptoms where I work about a week ago. They took him out back, and he has not been seen again since. I think they killed him, rather than risk becoming infected. What can I do?
H1N1 going insane
131 Sunday, November 15 2009 22:40
Tox
This is easily the most contagious disease in my lifetime, and a 4-7 day flu that is pretty awful is nothing to sneeze at. Add to that the high risk of death, and you have an ugly picture.
I cut up my credit cards
130 Monday, November 02 2009 14:44
Kathy
I won't use credit cards ever since I felt the first tremors. I tell my friends to stop borrowing, but they don't listen to me. I am scared.
Priority Patients
129 Monday, November 02 2009 14:42
The priority for use of antiviral medications this season continues to be in people with more money than you, such as politicians and mafia bosses. Money talks!
I got my shot
128 Monday, November 02 2009 14:38
Dave
I had to pretend to be an at-risk person to qualify for it. Now my arm is all swollen up. I don't think the quality assurance is very good. This was a bad batch.
So, when it comes to a treaty...
127 Tuesday, October 20 2009 12:24
...the answer is not yeti
in ur facee!
126 Friday, October 16 2009 08:17
bobby fred
wattttttttttttttt.
Hielloa
125 Friday, October 16 2009 08:12
This is insane.
I see it too!
124 Thursday, October 15 2009 12:16
Barrie
You are right about the abundance of brown fecal matter. We are deep in it too, so far up the creek and without a paddle. It is only a matter of time now, before the aliens come down and take over this planet. We do not have the financial resources to defend ourselves, so you might as well put meat tenderizer on yourself and hope they eat you first.
Recovery Symptoms & Vaccines
123 Tuesday, October 13 2009 08:56
Pauline
Until we have recovery, people will not care about protecting others. Only when we have money to spare on vaccines will there be any progress.
H1N1 Flu Symptoms
122 Monday, October 12 2009 21:01
Sicko
If you have these you only have a few days left to live:
* fever
* coughing
* headaches (such as when watching Lenno)
* muscle or joint pain
* sore throat when swallowing turtles whole
* chills while standing in a freezer
* fatigue
* dry or itchy skin around the genitals
* runny nose
* diarrhea and vomiting (after eating Mexican food)
H1N1 Vaccine Harmful to Aliens
121 Tuesday, October 06 2009 18:39
Peter
Clinical trials of the vaccine have discovered that it does not agree with lizard type aliens who walk among us. If you notice anyone who objects strongly to being vaccinated, you can be sure they are really lizard aliens in disguise. You should report them to your local MIB office right away. Be careful not to get too close or they may eat your face.
Owner
120 Wednesday, September 30 2009 21:04
Did you know?

Bank of America has received over $50 Billion in government funding. With it they purchased companies like Meryl Lynch and Countrywide. Both times they offered their the top executives at both companies unprecedented amounts of money in "exit bonuses". One guy alone received over $386 MILLION dollars. No one said a word.

Did you know that they received this money from our government? TARP, the troubled asset relief program was created to help stimulate the economy by offering big businesses in our country money. No one is saying a word.

Did you know that there is absolutely NO mandate on what these businesses do with their TARP money?

Did you know that Bank of America is now scrutinizing people’s checking accounts to see where they’re spending they’re money…and if they don’t agree with you, they’ll shut your account down? Unilateral decision to shut down access to your finances and you can’t do anything about it.

Did you also know that bank of America is attempting to foreclose on the homes of our soldiers stationed in Iraq? I’m not an attorney but have heard that this is a violation of the Soldiers and Sailors act. And I also know that again, NO ONE is doing anything about it.

I have a client named Sammy. Sammy’s wife died and he inherited his 2 grandchildren. He called bank of America to see if there’s anything they could do for him and they told him to prepare the kids for homelessness because it wasn’t their fault or problem.

I have another client that was rationing out food to her children daily so they could get caught up on their mortgage because the collections department at Bank of America called them and said if she fell behind, they’d all be homeless.

We wouldn’t otherwise say that any of these people or any of you had an argument for wanting them to fix the terms of your mortgage except now that bank of America has received BILIONS dollars to stimulate our economy and are still refusing to help us.

Mr. Obama do you know what WE could have done with this bail out money? You could have given it directly to US by lowering the principals of our homes to the fair market value, guaranteed everyone an interest rate of less than 5% of their mortgage and a guaranteed 30 year conventional loan and you would have spent LESS.

These banks have proven they can’t be trusted with our money.

They have proven that they will do NOTHING in the best interest of the consumers and will only make decisions that HELP put money into their own pockets.

We looked to you for change. Change means nothing if it doesn’t help.

Now we’re asking you for a little accountability and a little equality in the rationing out of government assistance.

Why are there only government bailout programs that force borrowers to go delinquent. Do you know how much it would stimulate the economy and put money into the pockets of lenders if they had programs to help people stay current. AND NOT mandate that they fall behind?

Lets apply commonsense.

Let’s apply change that works! I’m not a democrat or a republican. I’m not a black, white, Asian or Hispanic. I’m not Christian or Muslim. I’m an American, asking my president to help us.

I own the consumer advocacy group. We are applying for our nonprofit status in Nevada. I’m doing my part to help as many homeowners as possible. What are you actually doing for main street that doesn’t directly affect Washington or wall street?

We’re done asking. We’re done waiting. I am planning a homeowners protest and am asking all homeowners to stand with me and say enough is enough.

President Obama. Will you stand with us? 702-478-5369 Call me and let me know
Rich Get Richer , Administrator
Prediction
119 Monday, September 21 2009 18:39
Sylvia Browne
The spirits say that the economy will rebound, and you’ll see it start around May next year.
It all makes sense
118 Monday, September 21 2009 18:33
Dave
I mean who has the most to gain from continuing this bad economy? Of course it is the banks and the insurance industry. It just makes sense. But since they are more powerful than even the government, we are not likely to stop them.