All Those Government Conspiracies Are True In A Bad Economy

Realizing that most stock analysts are little more than gazing at tea leaves, or stating the obvious after it is too late, we have decided to throw our hat into the ring.

RIMM = Sinking Ship

We are starting with a rating for RIMM, of "Sinking Ship". If you are holding a long position in RIMM, you are hereafter referred to as a "rat", and encouraged to jump ship as soon as possible.

Over one hundred security screeners were laid off at YVR airport due to budgetary constraints. This is just the tip of the iceberg, as many airports across North America are cutting costs and making difficult decisions. The impact of these cutbacks could be devastating to the security of air travel worldwide, not to mention the impact to the time needed to get through airport security prior to boarding your flight.

Our scientists in our underground bunkers in the frozen North have been studying the economic downturn and had to define new models to explain the seeming chaos in the world and the management decisions that caused it all. This has led to the exciting discovery of a new branch of quantum mechanics. We believe that this could result in the first nobel prize awarded for physics in journalism.

Increasing amounts of nuclear radiation has made its way across the pacific towards North America, bringing slight increases in the background levels of radiation. It is now detectable in cow's milk and some vegetables such as broccoli, as far as six thousand miles from the disaster site. Another side effect has been the increased amount of rain on the west coast. This has lead to a positive economic impact for some businesses.

Since our previous articles on the impact of the bad economy on the orbit of the moon, flooding and earthquakes, things have gone from bad to worse. These global disasters, caused by the economic collapse, are now causing more economic havoc in the world. We are on the brink of the abyss, armed with a lead life preserver to keep us afloat.

Yet another casualty of the global economic downturn has come to light. Penguins are suffering on multiple fronts.

Penguins live in the southern hemisphere, especially in the Antarctic region, where jobs are already limited. A number of the government research bases, including the Amundsen-Scott South Pole Station, have had to cut back on hiring due to the economy, and have put various projects on hold. As a cute fuzzy creature in a tuxedo, it is hard enough to get a job, and now the jobs are getting fewer.

It seems that times change, but the problems stay the same. In the following video you'll see that in 1982 there were problems with unemployment, just as there is now. The bad economy of the time caused massive layoffs, and record unemployment. History does teach us that at least it seems to be cyclical, so it may just be a matter of time before things correct themselves.

One chilling discovery we at Bad Economy have recently found out, from those anonymously speaking off of the record, is that Ireland’s population of Leprechauns have recently been getting death threats ordering them to hand over their precious crocks of gold. Those willing to speak anonymously have said the threats came from those with an Elbonian accent.

Recently this very publication was targeted by hackers from India, while at the same time North Korea started shelling South Korea during our reporter's visit to Seoul. Icelandic government is threatening to set off another volcanic eruption, if the EU does not forgive their loans. Coincidence? I think not.

This winter will likely be one of the coldest ones in recent history, with extended cold spells, snow, and expanding ice flows. Scientists in our underground bunkers in the frozen North have been monitoring the worsening state of the bad economy and have identified that it is causing global cooling at a dramatic rate. Unless the economy improves dramatically within the next 12 to 24 months, we are likely to enter into a new ice age.

Due to the increasing number of layoffs in this bad economy, more people than ever before are unemployed and sitting at home eating Cheez Whiz, hoping that the economy will bounce back and they can go back to work. As a result the global demand for the product is up over 3000%, leading to shortages in some areas.

Cellular network carriers across North America are feeling the pinch in this economic downturn. They are implementing cost cutting measures that actually cause more dropped calls for customers. The changes are so subtle, that it is hard for customers to detect, yet they save the networks millions of dollars.

Crazies and mad people are really upset about the economic downturn, and are no longer willing to stand by and let it go to hell without a comment. Insane assylums and mental hospitals are now a seething mass of resentment for the politicians and unethical businesses that have flushed our financial system down the toilet.

Canadians & Americans declare war over taxes this month, as many Canadians are hit by higher taxes in the form of a new HST tax.  Thousands of canucks flocked south through the border to the USA both to avoid the HST tax and to take advantage of their new tax exempt status. Unfortunately, they were met with mixed responses.

Another fallout of the economic downturn, brought to you by our scientists in our underground bunkers in the frozen North. Zombies have been decimated by the current economic climate. It seems that these reanimated corpses are dependent on a good economy for their very existence. Zombie sightings are way down, all due to the unemployment and lack of funds to pay for burial expenses.